We Need More Bandages!

In order to fully appreciate this story you must know that Hubcap is an operating room nurse.

We were watching Criminal Minds and the bad guy in the episode got shot through his side but didn't die. Instead he went home and plugged the bullet holes with rolled up pieces of white bread.

This seemed like a bad idea to me. I mean, bread? Seems like that would cause quite an infection. So I kept commenting on how that didn't seem like such a good idea to me.

But Hubcap defended the idea saying that it would likely stop the bleeding, therefore proving to be a suitable solution to the problem.

But she was sure to add, "I mean, it's not a common practice. We don't do it at work."

In the OR the doctor doesn't call for a "medium white bread plug".

So that's good to know.

Where Are All The Men?

I have been wanting to see He's Just Not That Into You so tonight I rented it On Demand and Doug agreed to watch it with me. He sat next to me on the couch and watched quietly and attentively. About halfway through he looked at me and said:

"I am going to have a shoot a lot of things to recover from this. And then they're going to have reissue my man card."

Of Course You Don't Honey, You're Brand New

For the 4th of July, Doug, the Tomato Whisperer and I went to the local minor league baseball game. It was the only place in town that was having fireworks and since we like fireworks, and baseball, we figured it was a good idea.

Before beginning the fireworks display began the stadium put on a whole production ABOUT THE CIVIL WAR. They had a Civil War reenactment group dressed as Union soldiers, they played the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

ON THE 4TH OF JULY.

What?

You Throw Up All Morning; You'll Have That Glow Too

I shared with you some of the more memorable responses we got when we told people that I'm pregnant. Since then I've discovered another strange reaction that more than one person has had to my news. This response came from multiple people, ranging from a complete stranger at Victoria's Secret to a close family member, and still has me scratching my head.

Upon learning that I'm pregnant these people then asked how far along I am. And when I responded (anywhere from 9 to 13 weeks, depending on who was doing the asking) these people all looked and sounded completely disappointed and commented, "Oh, so you're not really that pregnant" or "Oh, so you're just barely pregnant".

What the hell does that even mean? Because I was under the impression that you either ARE or you ARE NOT pregnant. I never knew there was a such thing as being "a little bit pregnant".

Today we got to hear the heartbeat which was very cool. I wonder if that makes me more pregnant than I was before.

I Kind Of Had A Dream...I Don't Want To Talk About It.

Being pregnant has resulted in my inability to sleep through the night without having to get up at least once to pee. What am I saying? I can't even get through vacuuming the house without having to stop to use the bathroom so I don't wet myself. If 30 minutes of continuous vacuuming is out of the question, 9 hours of sleep is unthinkable.

Anyway, I have mastered getting out of bed, walking to the bathroom and finding the toilet pretty much without opening my eyes at all. Thankfully the walk is short and the path is usually uninhibited. Ralph has learned to sleep somewhere on the floor that is out of Mama's midnight walking path.

So it's great. I don't even have to wake up. I pretty much just sleep walk to the bathroom and sit down.

And then I start to pee.

And that's when the fact that I'm potty trained kicks in and my brain screams to me, "ALERT! ALERT! YOU ARE PEEING BUT YOU ARE NOT AWAKE!" And I jerk suddenly awake. Because, holy crap. I am asleep. And I'm peeing. And all I can think is that means that I'm peeing in the bed.

But no. Thankfully each time I have rudely awakened myself only to find, with total relief, that I am in fact peeing into the toilet.

That's Whack

Something which I believe is worth noting:

Snoop Dogg is coming to town next week and he'll be performing at the same venue where my tap dance recital was held. That means that Snoop Dogg and I will have performed on the same stage.

I'm sure Snoop would be just as excited as I am to learn this fact.

Nobody Sees The King!

Only in the Wild West do you drop your husband, and his shotgun, off at work because while Friday is the day the office goes to the shooting range, tomorrow is a holiday.

God Bless America.